I just re-read my last post, and while encouraged, I feel like a bit of a failure. The last few months have been ugly. Stressful, and more about surviving than thriving. Having my husband work away from home for three months, even with several visits, wreaked havoc on my health - both mental and physical. I placed such high expectations on myself, and assumed responsibility for so many things, that I had no chance of meeting any of those expectations, and had no energy to be responsible for the things for which I was actually responsible.
We're here now, in our new home, and tomorrow marks the end of school holidays. Tomorrow begins our new routine. I have no idea where to even begin, except to go back to the beginning.
Maybe this time I can make it a permanent change. I know I need to make a lot of changes, but instead of freaking out about it, I'm just going to make a small change, then another, and another. One change at a time, one day at a time. I want so badly to love myself again, to give myself the grace and compassion I give to others - but a lifetime of self-loathing is not easily undone. Perhaps one small act of kindness to myself, when performed repeatedly, will become a habit of kindness. From that habit, perhaps I will learn to love myself, the way others seem to care for me. I think I have unsurprisingly held the expectation that losing this weight would be straightforward and easy. It has proven to be the exact opposite, but it is not impossible.
But tomorrow is the beginning. And it is indeed a good place to start.