Monday, January 5, 2015

Life Isn't Fair

Nowhere is it written "You shall have all you desire." Nowhere.

I had An Afternoon yesterday, and it was ugly. I was flooded with emotion, and I really wanted to eat them away. The compulsion was so strong. I had no junk food here, and that's good because I would have inhaled it. When we met my husband at the beach after work, I was so frazzled - he suggested that I go out for a walk when we got home, and he would sort the children out for bathtime/bedtime. 

I needed to walk, but I also needed to go to the shop. A dangerous place to be when you have a history of binge eating. 

But an interesting thing happened. I was at the shop, fully intending to buy some potato chips, a Coca-Cola - and then I bumped into a man at the self-serve nuts and dried fruit.
He was looking for macadamias, he said - and then he threw out almost as an afterthought "because I'm trying to give up Coke and cigarettes."

I replied that I was trying to give up Coke too, and we wished each other well. 

After that, I wandered the shop for another thirty minutes, pondering different food choices, and having a weird conversation with myself about how this odyssey, this journey toward a healthier me - it's hard, but I can't give up. I have to keep trying. For me, primarily, but also for my family, and my friends who have been inspired by my efforts. 

So I came home with vegetables, tofu, falafel, feta, milk, nuts, trail mix and coffee. 

No chips. 
No Coke. 

And here's the incredible thing: I still wanted them, but I realised that it's okay to want something. Where I've always lost the plot is at self-control. I can want something, and it is TOTALLY POSSIBLE to not have it. Is it hard? Yes. Does it make me want to whine uncontrollably? Yup. But I am not controlled by my desires. Not anymore. 

In strengthening my body, I am apparently also learning to let God strengthen my mind. Who knew?

Have a great day!

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