Thursday, January 15, 2015

Holding Steady

Things are changing. 

I am beginning to enjoy this self-care thing. I arranged with my husband last night to go out walking when he got home, and get this- I WENT. I didn't feel guilty, I didn't question whether I "should" stay at home and help him, I just went. November Sarah wouldn't have been able to do this. 

I'm feeling a bit blergh this week (in a regularly scheduled hormonal kind of way), and some of my dietary choices have been "iffy". I've still managed to come in under my calorie goal most days, and even with a few dodgy choices, I am proud that I didn't use it as an excuse to go on The Mother of All Binges. I felt a bit off, but I went for a walk, instead of sitting on the lounge or going to bed. In fact, I walked further than I have before, and one of my split paces was under 12 minutes - the fastest ever! I'm not really focusing on speed, but I'm aware of the need to continue challenging myself. I actually felt for a brief moment like running. I didn't, because medically, it's a bad idea. Very much so. But for the first time in forever, I could feel the "fit/healthy Sarah" inside. She's there, just waiting for her turn to shine.

So although this week hasn't been optimal, it has been pretty good. I've hit three exercise sessions (with a fourth planned for tomorrow morning), and have NOT (despite some pretty intense cravings) binged on rubbish. Or really, binged on anything. 

I'm weighing in this week at 84.2 - holding steady below 85, which was my first goal, with a loss of 200g. I'm happy with that, given the hormonal influences this week which make it VERY HARD to be sane, rational, and mindful. 

No, the biggest change this week really has nothing to do with numbers at all. The biggest change for me is a mental shift, and it is indeed momentous. For my whole life, I have felt like I just take up too much space in the world. Wanting to hide and be in the shadows, not attracting too much notice. Feeling like I somehow didn't deserve to exist like all the other people. It extended beyond the physical. And that's a much harder dragon to slay. Choosing a salad over pizza? Easy. Fighting that battle within, that's where the real war lies. Last night, I was walking, and I passed several people. Instead of wishing I were all alone, because "I'm such a fraud, dressed in my exercise clothes - who do I think I am, anyway? I should be embarrassed about being out in public dressed like this" and so on, I smiled and waved, and kept on walking. For the first time, I can wear my swimsuit to the beach, and not feel awkward. Because I realised that if everyone is worried about how they look in their swimmers, they're not looking at me. And even if they were looking at me, I no longer care what they (probably aren't) thinking. I'm too busy having fun with my family in the water. Too busy living life. 

I would rather live in the sun, than merely exist in the shade. 

Have a terrific day! 
XO, Sarah

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